There comes a time in everyone’s life when it’s no longer acceptable to skate by as an invited guest. Dear reader, if the time has come for you to do the inviting, heed my advice and start with the most intimate of cocktails parties, then build to a brunch or a possible super bowl party. If however, you are one of those types who enjoys rushing into freezing cold ocean water head first, then go ahead-do a Thanksgiving Dinner.
The following is an actual account of one woman’s 1st Thanksgiving plans.
Oct. 31 — See several members of immediate family at Toast the Ghost charity Halloween party. On a confident whim, decide to invite them to your house for Thanksgiving Dinner. Ignoring stunned looks of silence, insist it would be a pleasure for you to host as long as you can keep the guest list to immediate family.
Nov. 3 — Receive phone call from sister-in-law mentioning estranged cousin from Montreal will be in town while on hiatus from Cirque du Soliel. Can he come and bring his 5’1 contortionist /boyfriend/co-worker. Figuring they will eat very little, of course they can come.
Nov. 7 — Run into neighbor who mentions she’ll be stuck home over the holidays working and won’t be able to get home to Peoria. Remember when she collected your mail and newspapers for 10 days last summer when you forgot to cancel them during vacation. Invite her.
Nov. 11 — Speak to Dad who mentions how your never before seen stepbrother, his wife and three children will be visiting for Thanksgiving. Debate telling Dad and his new family to enjoy their Thanksgiving and will catch them at Christmas. Wind up inviting them all.
Nov. 14 — Tally the number of invited guests. 18. Realize you are cooking dinner for 18 people. Immediately go on-line and search for Thanksgiving recipes. Find alternative website featuring articles on Deep-frying a turkey and microwaving a turkey. Actually consider microwave method until realizing yours will barely accommodate a Cornish game hen.
Nov. 17 — Have conversation with mother-in-law. Asks if you will be serving a kosher turkey.
Nov. 18 — Inquire at local grocery store if they sell kosher turkey.
Nov. 20 — Order kosher turkey from local butcher. Spend 90 minutes carefully selecting all ingredients for all other dishes at grocery store. While searching for Jerusalem artichokes realize someone has mistakenly taken cart and left their cart in its place. Deciding a ham and Pillsbury rolls will not suffice, spend 30 minutes suspiciously eyeing all other customer’s shopping carts. Miraculously find mine abandoned in frozen foods.
Nov. 23 — 1:00 p.m. Begin preparations.
Nov. 23 — 1:37 p.m. Drive self to emergency room to have finger stitched following mishap with string beans.
Nov. 24 — Resume preparations. Defrost turkey, boil and mash potatoes, shell walnuts, candy yams, sample various rums for rum cake.
Nov. 25 — A.M. Awaken to sounds of Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. Watch with family for 30 seconds, then realize there are seven hours left until my house is going to be invaded! Give husband list of tasks to do. Wonder whether to laugh or cry when he asks if I mind if he goes to the gym for a few hours.
Nov. 25 — P.M. Wash, chop, stir, heat, burn, scrape, stuff and glaze. Shampoo, blow-dry, iron, burn, dress, smile and ENJOY! Someone else will do it next year!
